Kohinata "God and Anime on his side" Jun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
whiteshroud) wrote2025-01-20 04:38 pm
whiteshroud) wrote2025-01-20 04:38 pm
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no subject
You're in the hospital, so I'll show grace and hold my tongue.
[....Mostly]
Though are you sure I shouldn't ask the nurses for earplugs and an eye mask? You know, to avoid your little brother from seeing anything untowards?
no subject
What are you, Victorian?
[It's an attempt at a joke. But....]
Nothing's gonna happen. [He shrugs with a small smile.] Sometimes the most romantic gesture is to just let them go.
no subject
[But ah... seems like his attempt to joke around missed a mark, causing Haru to say something more sincere. Or rather... an expression that Jun's heard before, but it sounds like Haru's taken to heart.
Jun pauses for a moment, before deciding to get up and stepping closer to the bed. He'll gesture at Haru to scoot to a side of the bed. ]
Scoot over please.
[Hospital beds aren't huge by any means but... let's face it, neither of these two. Brother is saying sad things, so time to deploy affection. ]
no subject
Maybe, but it's way funnier this way.
[Harumasa doesn't hesitate to move over to give Jun room on the hospital bed. He'll put an arm around his little brother once Jun is situated. This close, he'll be able to feel that Harumasa's shaking very slightly. It's subtle, something that's more felt than seen, but it shows that he's not as calm and casual as he seems. Harumasa might have needed this more than even he himself thought.]
no subject
He won't call out the shaking, giving his brother some chance of dignity. ]
Maybe sometimes the most loving gesture is letting someone go... but I think there's something to be said for holding on too.
[Whether it be romantic, platonic, or familial love... sure, sometime Jun could see the logic of letting things go. But... he already lived a life time where he had to let go of far too many things, to avoid attachments. He knows too well what a hollow life that is.]
I'm staying right here, okay?
no subject
That's true. I'm certainly holding onto my family for as long as possible.
[He'll hold onto his friends, too, but that's harder to admit. Although he's said that word once before to describe people he's close to in that way, it's still not often enough.
But that promise of Jun staying right here.... That gets a very quiet sniffle. He's doing his best to hold onto his own emotions, and it's hard to stay strong for his family's sake. Yet Harumasa's still doing his best.]
... Thank you, Jun.
[He won't get left here again. Harumasa can trust Jun completely on that. And it's that trust that he clings to right now to fight back against his fear.]
no subject
Mm, I know, you're really good about that. [Haru is probably the main reason they can call each other a family] But Belle and Ragna? I think it'd be safe if you held onto them too. They really care about you, and they know what they're getting into. Whatever comes, I have faith they'll weather it.
... That's all I'll say about that.
[What Harumasa does with that input, it's entirely up to him in the end. It was his life after all, and Jun respected that. But he's seen how much Ragna and Belle care for Haru, how much they try to show up in both big and small ways. It's been a big help these past few months, if Jun was honest, knowing there were other people there for his brother. So it felt only right to put a good word for them.
...He pauses, hearing that very quiet sniffle. Between that and the shaking... Haru's really pushing himself to keep it together through his fear, isn't he? That's... always how he was. Always acting brave to make his younger siblings feel better. When Jun was little, he'd fall for the act. But now that he was older and wiser... he could see through it a bit more.
Jun will remain quiet for a long moment, just holding onto his brother... before he decides to speak up. It's something he's been mulling over awhile, trying to figure out how to broach the subject.... but yeah, this feels like a good time. ]
Hey, you don't have to give your answer anytime soon, and I'd understand if you said no. You wouldn't even have to explain your reasoning. I promise, there's no pressure.
But... no matter what, you're my family. Now and forever. So... if you want it, maybe as proof of that... you'd be welcome to take the name Nightroad.
[Jun knows that names are personal. That maybe Harumasa's got a reason for why he wants to remain Asaba. Which, he'd respect that. But still... as someone who discarded his birth family's name in favor for a family who wanted him and loved him... it felt only right to extend the same offer to his brother.]
no subject
I can't promise that my mind will change, but I'll definitely think about it. I didn't consider that angle.
[At least he'll admit this much to Jun.
Harumasa blinks as he looks down at Jun when he speaks up after that moment of silence. His eyes widen a little when he's offered such a sweet and meaningful thing as sharing a last name. But it also comes with something that makes him hesitate more than he possibly should. Being a Nightroad means accepting a possible father figure into his life, and he's not sure he can trust parental figures again. He's not sure he's ready to have a parent, or if he ever will be.
But he still deeply appreciates the offer as he sees exactly what Jun is conveying.]
You're a good kid, Jun-bug. [The affection can clearly be heard in his voice.] I don't know if I'm ready for that, but I'll think on it. I promise. You're right, though. No matter what, you're my little brother. And I'm really grateful that I was lucky enough to be your big brother. Even in that awful place, I still thought you were a gift.
no subject
Do as you'd like, I'm not interested in managing your relationships. [That sounds like hell] Ragna and Belle have been kind, so I figured I should at least put in a good word for them.
[And he's done just that, so his work here is done. If Haru wants to flop miserable and spend the rest of his life single- that's his right to do so!
As for the response to the last name... yeah, after the peach conversation months ago and other conversations, Jun half-expected something like this. Was he a little disappointed? Sure, a little. But he really did try his best to approach this with as few emotional attachments to the outcome as possible. Seal Knight training was good for something.]
I had a feeling you'd say something like that. [He sighs, before reaching over to gently ruffle his brother's hair. No hard feelings man] Well, the offer's always open if you decide you want it.
[He pauses at being called a gift, thinking about it. It doesn't feel quite right, since it's not like he felt he did anything particularly stunning. And... he thinks of his past life in the Orden, about how similar it was... except there were no siblings, no Haru. And all the difference that made]
... If anything, I'd say you were the gift.
no subject
They are, and the fact that you get along with them only makes it better.
[But Harumasa thinks that he'll be happy either way. He's happy to quietly love them. If a possible cure is on the table, then maybe his mind would change. Plus....]
I think I'd be happy either way, but it's a lot to ask of a brand new relationship to have them take care of me like I'll need and miss out on some moments because of my health. I feel bad enough asking that of you guys, and you've already told me that you're fine with it. There's a lot that I'll need to think about.
[And they don't know if he'll have much time after the tests come back. Harumasa refuses to say that part out loud. That's far too cruel to say within earshot of his loved ones.
However, he smiles as his hair is ruffled and relaxes a bit. For a guy that can transform into an enormous tiger, he's such a house cat.]
Haha, I think we can be gifts to each other! [Harumasa sighs softly.] I had a pretty similar background in my past life, you know. The difference was that one of the doctors was also a mentor to me. He taught me archery and swordsmanship, and how to move around despite my body's limitations. The exploitation was still real, of course, but so was the love and care. He died while trying to create a cure for me, though, and I never knew until after the fact.
But... this time around, I got siblings and I got to reunite with a lot more of them than I ever thought I would. So I definitely think of you as a gift. I would've been a lot more lost if I didn't have you in my life.
cw: emotional abuse
Mm... I understand the concern. Before Varian and I realized our feelings, I was considering joining the clergy. It seemed safer than expecting someone to deal with everything I do. Sometimes, I still feel a little guilty for all the ways I can't be a normal partner for Varian. [He knows better than to try to break up the relationship over it, that logically- Varian doesn't mind. But still, the feeling sticks with him.] In your case, I'm not sure what the right answer is. No wonder you need to think about it.
[Because it's a complicated issue. Jun is very aware about the concerns of Haru's lifespan, even if neither of them are voicing it. It's just... less painful that way.
And speaking of complicated issues... he listens quietly to Harumasa explain his past life. It makes his heart hurt, knowing his brother suffered twice through such situations. He deserved so much better. ]
... That sounds complicated, to have the person who loved and cared for you also be the one to exploit you. I'm not sure how I'd feel.
[It's an honest statement. Jun, even in this lifetime, was rather simplistic when it came to his feelings towards people. He saw his loved ones in the best of light, even if he was aware of their flaws. When his siblings or Varian did something to aggravate him, he forgave within minutes. But for a loved one to cause that level of harm, while also still loving you.... Jun's not sure how he'd handle that.
He goes quiet again for a moment, having an internal conflict of if he should share his own past. It wasn't something he's really shared with anyone outside his therapist, not even Varian. The pressure put on him to remain quiet still loomed large, even though he was in another life and world where the Orden didn't exist. Even now, with his brother who's understand better than anyone, he thinks of reasons to keep his mouth shut. And had Haru not shared that part of his past.... he probably would have.
...]
... My past life was similar, but I didn't have a figure like that. The Spirit Realm in that world was much more volatile and dangerous... so they needed people who could fight against it. People who would do whatever it took to prevent a calamity from occurring.
So, the Orden raised me to be just that. And... I suppose so I wouldn't stray from the path, they had me avoid forming any emotional attachments - citing them as obstacles.
[He takes a sharp intake of breath] Even when the Lord showed me love when we first met.... I didn't understand it, not until years later when I managed to make some friends during a mission.
You, Ana and the others... you saved me from a reliving a life like that.
no subject
Yeah, and I wanna give that the time it needs. That's not a decision to rush, no matter what. But I'm happy I got to at least experience that feeling.
[Even if he doesn't get to experience it fully, he's glad to at least know what a crush feels like. It hurts sometimes, but mostly it's kind of nice.
As far as his complicated feelings about his Master go....]
I won't deny that at all. Hell, in my past life, I still kept wearing the yellow headband that my Master left me. But for me, personally... it's not about forgiving him. It's more that I've accepted it. The good and the bad. Maybe if he'd been alive, I'd have come to a different conclusion, but... it's not worth thinking in what-ifs like that.
[He can only devote so much time and energy. Finding his Master to ask that question, to try getting the closure he needed, and only ending up getting a complicated answer... it's better for him to let it go and accept the person his Master was.
When Jun begins talking about his own past life, Harumasa falls silent. He waits patiently in the long pauses, and listens intently to a history he knows is so hard to talk about. Sometimes it's just easier to never talk about it at all. It does sadden him to think about Jun having to live like that, but... Harumasa gently ruffles Jun's hair.]
I'm glad we could save you from that loneliness. I think that organization did you a disservice, but I'm glad you found friends in that life. And I think you've found your own answers to the gifts the Lord has given you. Not ones dictated by someone else.
So we're definitely a gift to each other. I wouldn't trade you for anything.
[That's certainly a statement he's proven true over and over. It's just that now Jun and the others are strong enough to say the same for Harumasa, too.]
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He really did admire him for that. It takes a lot of strength]
What-if scenarios are better for fanfics than real life. [He's not going to pretend he doesn't get caught up thinking about what-if scenarios sometimes, he definitely does. But at least knows there's no point to them.
He does think back to his conversation with Persephone about how she felt about Apollo. About how she hadn't forgiven him. But at the same time... she had clearly not let her anger consume her life. Haru was much the same. ]
If you've found an answer that's helped you move forward and live your life, I don't think forgiveness is necessary anyway. [He gives a little shoulder shrug, thinking about that yellow headband] ... Has anyone warned you about the birthday skeleton?
[It was worth a warning, whether Haru decides to ask for that headband back or not. Jun used it for personal items in the past too, and he sure a lot of people have. But sometimes it's good to have time to think that over rather than have it be dropped on you by surprise in the middle of the night.
... Especially when you got a heart and lung condition like Haru does, Christ.
After sharing his own past, he's not sure what to expect. There's a twinge of fear in him, worried of a bad reaction. Fortunately... the hair ruffle and gentle words ease that away. Turns out, talking about past didn't have earth shattering consequences. He'll exhale in relief ]
Yeah, maybe they had their reasons, but there's a lot they did wrong. It's.... easier to see that now. [Sometimes he has days where he still feeds into the mindset they instilled into him, but he's come a long way. And it was thanks to the people he's met, both in his past life and this one. Haru included, who helped stopped that path before it even began in this life. So he gives a nod, accepting the compromise]
Mm, fair enough. And I wouldn't trade you for anything either. When I leave this hospital, it'll be with you. We'll go home together.
I promise.